Psychological, Really??

Ok, so I have been pretty sick. You know, lots of coughing, lethargy, congestion, and difficulty catching my breath. All legitimate symptoms. I have been experiencing these for oh, about 6 days.

I hate to go to the doctor and try my very best to not see one. Usually, by the time I go, I am either threatened by my husband or mother or I am near death(or atleast I think I am).

Anyway, today I muster up the nerve to go to a well known walk-in clinic. I drag myself there and on the way am telling myself I really should not waste the time, as I feel lightheaded and can not catch my breath.

So, I get there and it is empty for which I am thankful. Two minutes later, if that, I am called back by the doctor himself. Great! Quickly in and out, I think to my self.

I tell him I am having trouble catching my breath and explain how long I have felt this way. He does not ask any other questions. I look at him quizzically. He looks at me. I am thinking "well?". He starts to explain to me how the mind works. Yes he did! He continues to update me on how the brain controls your body. Dah! I think. I am fully educated on the mind and how it works physiologically, neurologically, chemically, etc... Blah! Blah! Blah!

Then it dawns on me. He is eluding to how he thinks my inability to breath could be psychological. What do I look like an diot? Are you "f'ing" kidding me? I dragged my self here and this is what I get. You want to see a crazy housewife/mother/career women, oh baby, I can show that if you really want! I am not flippin crazy. I just can not breathe and want some medicine to fix me up.

Instead of jumping off the table and clawing at his eyes I decide to calmly let him know a little about me and what I do for a living-hence the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner degree with 12 years experience. So there!

"I see", he says and then explains that he is not really saying it is in my head and clearly that this is not his area of expertise. "No shit" I think to myself-restraining not to say it out loud. I let him know politely that I do not agree with him and ask if we can back up a little.

I start over and tell him the three complaints I have, not just the one he heard earlier, and if he would have used his assessment skills a little better he would have been able to get a better understanding of what my problem was.

After I spell out that I have been having difficulty catching my breath, uncontrollable coughing and lethargy. I am told if he knew that then he would have thought differently. Now he states the problem seems to be Bronchitis (not Psychosis?). "Hello, is anyone in there? You finally got it". I am now feeling the need to offer more information to validate my sanity then I throw in the towel with the hopes to get my script and move on. I really did not want to waste anymore of my valuable time.

I get the script and he goes on to say he does not think that what I have is bacterial so there is really only a 10-15% chance the medicine will even work. At this point, I do not care. I just want to try. "Please oh Please just be quiet so I can leave" I think to myself. I decide to throw him a "wrench" and ask "so, if I do not take this how long will it take for me to get better?" I get the generic answer of "that is not something I can definitively tell you" and goes on to talk about epidemiology. Inside I am now rolling in laughter. I get up to leave-with my script-and tell him maybe I will email and let him know my update. Of course, I was NOT being sarcastic.

For I little while there I could have thought I was hearing voices to tell me to do bad things to the crazy doctor but we all know I am too rational for that. Ha!

I am out the door. At this point, I either want a piece of chocolate or a new pair of jeans. I think well the chocolate could cause an increase in jean size so skip the chocolate and go for the jeans.

To top it off, I call a local friend to tell her about the crazy experience and she informs me that she believes this doctor is actually a plastic surgeon who moonlights at the walk in clinic. All my questions were then answered. He deals numerous days out of the month with patients who may truly have an emotional issue so why not let it bleed into primary care. I DO NOT THINK SO! He did say I was a challenging patient for him. WHAT?????

Ok Ok Ok, we all know I am a little type A and have a low level of anxiey. But seriously, I have too many other things to make me crazy.

By the way, I did find a pair of jeans that fit beautifully. All is well.

Girlfriends---such fun!

Soooooo, here I am thinking back to the fabulous girls weekend I had a few weeks back. Too short, non the less, but a great time.

Two of my girlfriends flew to Portland(from Tampa)on a beautiful clear evening. The kind of night you hope for since Portland's weather is so unpredictable. The weatherman can not even get it right.

Anyway, I saw them at the bottom of the escalator. The sight of their familiar faces brought on so many emotions. I was so greatful that my friend chose to come here to celebrate her 40th birthday. I thought "wow, are you sure? It is so far to go for such a short time". Despite the time frame, it is so amazing how the time went in slow motion and each minute remains a clear memory.

Deep down I was afraid the weekend would not live up to their expectations, if they had any. I was so excited and just wanted them to enjoy themselves. Although, they probably did not know I was excited. For those of you who know me, I do not show excitement outwardly.

I could be jumping up and down inside but you see me as you usually would. Such a shame, I know, but it's just the way it is. Now I can laugh pretty good. So hard, in fact, that I can not catch my breath and tears roll down my face. I love those moments.

Anyway, I think my friends wanted to get an idea about how my new life was going and to see that I was ok. I was so blown away by their interest. This really put things into perspective.

Girlfriends are an amazing asset to one's life. Especially those you have had for years. The things you can say, they way you laugh together, how silly you act, all the memories that are reflected upon, and the simplicity of just knowing each is there for the other. Being with them made me feel so alive and refreshed.

Each of us live in different states but it has not affected our relationship. We talk as if we are together all the time - with ease and without restraint. It is great to be surrounded by those who tell you like it is. No hidden agenda or thoughts.

You shop, you can obsess, you enjoy a glass of your favorite adult beverage, and not think of much else but the pleasure you get out of being together. Of course, you talk about your children and sometimes your husbands but mostly the true time together is what is so valued and cherished.

Girlfriends bounce ideas off each other. We like to make sure we are not completely losing our minds whether it is something complicated or stupidly simple. It is amazing, the things we go through. Woman have a special connection-especially with those who just understand you - for who you are. We are all unique and complicated and when you find that special friend or group of friends it is not to be taken lightly.

I enjoy my old friends and my new ones. I have come to realize that woman relate to each other and without that you can feel kind of lost. Keeping a friendship alive takes time and energy but it is worth every minute. I respect those close to me and am dedicated to those who enrich my life. Being real and dependable is the key to everlasting, meaningful friendships. Each friend has the ability to guide us, make us a better person, and even teach us new ways of doing things.

I thank my two friends for traveling clear across the country to see me. We had a weekend that will never be forgotten and the memory will always be tucked away inside my heart. I think they have a new value for Portland and can see why I enjoy it so much.

Now, go take the time to plan a day with your "girls".

Testicle tick, testicle tock!

The other day I heard on a morning news show that, after a certain age, the "family jewels" are not as precious as we thought. Actually, it was reported that "older" sperm (men greater then the age of 40)can increase the probability of having a baby with Down's Syndrome, Autism, and Schizophrenia(that certainly helped us to make our decision about baby #4). You can only imagine what could happen when you join an "old" egg with an "old" sperm. There could be big trouble.

Historically, it has been believed that men's sperm do not age at the rate the woman's eggs do, hence the saying "my biological clock is ticking". No longer the case. I guess it can be rephrased as "Our biological clock is ticking". Whew! What a relief! I know I had sleepless nights over that dilema. Ha Ha. Seriously, has no one ever thought of that before. Why would a man's sperm stay free of the aging process and the woman's egg not?

I get sick and tired of societal pressures placed on woman to stay young. Do we do this to ourselves? Partly, yes. But, all kidding aside, who wants their boobs to become mushy and hang down to their belly buttons, or have a flabby butt that does not look as good in jeans as it once used to, or wrinkles on our faces to become prominent. We want our hands to stay looking youthful, our hair to not turn gray, and our eyebrows (and where ever else you would like-ladies you know what I am talking about) to be groomed.

Woman want to feel sexy, dress youthful but look classy, look toned, stay slim. We want to wear just the right amount of makeup-not too overdone and maybe get that double take when we are out. You want someone to comment on all your hard work.

Their are creams, dyes, implants, liposuction, glycolic peels, make up tatooing, eyelash lengthening, lip enhancers, maincures, pedicures, botox, etc.. The list goes on. How exhausting! Don't get me wrong, I am not so sure I mind all the fuss.

Aging is aging!

But I can say that it is nice to know that men really have similar worries. I mean, seriously, why did it take this long for it to be reported that their sperm does age, as well as, other parts of their bodies. Men don't want grey hair on top of their head or below the belt, for that matter. Nor do they want saggy butts or testicles(picture that and it is ok to chuckle).

They want ripped stomaches, strong arms, smooth/fresh faces, broad/strong shoulders, and be free of balding. They, too, want to be looked at twice. The market for men's products have sky rocketed. Men have as many issues as woman, we just take it more to heart and woman are more talked about.

It has been said that woman are too concerned about what other woman think. That may be true but we also want to feel good about ourselves. It is deired to feel good inside and out. If that new shade of lipstick puts a smile on our face or those new shoes put a skip in your step, then so be it. I think we are lucky there are so many options for our needs.

Confidence ladies. Hold your head high.

I will say this, it is certainly not the "old" family jewels or the "old" eggs that provide pleasure as we age. Cheers to that!

Now ladies, let's take our wonderful selves and do something for us. Whatever your pleasure. Just don't do something I wouldn't do. You all know how crazy I am. Ha! Ha!

Oh, and husbands out their remember to tell your wife how beautiful she is. Mine consistently does and all I can say is "ooooooh what a feeling"! Just makes me want to break out in song.

"I envy those who just know"

So I had to get my thoughts on paper. Another baby! Why is this a continuous thought? I know deep down this is not something I could do but the thoughts that come along with having another one interest me.

I see baby pictures of my children and wonder what another would look like or be like. I often feel sad that my daughter does not have a sister. Obviously, I know I could not guarantee the sex of a baby but the thought does occur.

I see their little faces in the photos and think about the excitement of having a newborn. Their smell, their needs, their trust, their vulnerability. I long for all the stages they go through-the first smile, how they grip your finger, snuggling up at sleeptime, their little toes, the way they look at you once they realize who you are, the way they reach out to you, how you are the "one" who can console them, the depth in their eyes, and that amazing day when they take their first step.

I am struggling with the idea. I know that personally, physically, and emotionally I could not have another. There are days when I think I am too old. Actually, in my mind, I am. Let's face it. It is a lot of work which requires a lot of energy.

I do not need anymore gray hairs or wrinkles. Sleepless nights do not help my aging process and we all know there are many of those. There are even some of those now. Few and far between, but some. Sleep is a precious commodity. Oh, who am I kidding I have always needed my sleep. That is probably how I continue to look so young. Ha! Ha! You know studies show 8 hours of sleep or more keeps you young.

Besides the fact, that I do not know if I could survive another pregnancy-oh the sick feeling, the stretch marks, the boob soreness, the fatigue. Oh and let's not forget-the delivery(c-sections for me)(your insides layed out on top of your lower chest), the pain, the compromising position, the nausea, the perpetual bleeding, the pain you feel when the baby latches on for the first time, and the lack of sleep you already feel.

Also, the feeling of invincibility that radiated throughout my body. Oh wait a minute-seriously, that is the morhine pump. The "woo hoo" of that is enough to consider doing it all over again. Just kidding! But seriously, I see the attraction. Fortunately, they yank that sucker away pretty quickly and then I get to deal with the incision pain like a "real woman" since I tolerate only motrin.

Parenting my three children effectively is my biggest priority. I have a hard enough time with that. I will continue on as I am doing which is making sure I am available to them at all times. I am learning how to parent everyday and, as it is, I often do not feel I have enough to give them all they need.

Three has always been my lucky number!

The miracle of having a child is one I would never underestimate or take for granted.

Anyway, my hat is off to all you mothers out there and I do envy those of you who just knew when you had the perfect number! Live your life as it is and allow every moment to be that perfect moment. All you have to do is slow down!

Get Up and Get Moving!

The other day, at the gym, I found myself chuckling. I was standing at this machine doing these knee lifts to strengthen the stomach muscles. No pain, no gain right? As I was doing this, I found myself feeling rather ridiculous but as I looked around the room, most everyone appeared to be looking just about the same (ridiculous).

All on machines or on the floor in some compromising position trying to better their bodies. I happened to look down and saw someone's behind up in the air-seeing a little more than I would have liked- if you get my drift. At first, I did not think much about it until realizing it was not a pretty sight. I, then, found myself laughing. Thinking...

We all look like mice spinning out of control on some wheel. Running, running, walking, walking, climbing, climbing but getting no where. But oh yes, we are helping to improve our bodies, minds, and cardiovascular systems! Right? At least that is what we tell ourselves. Do good for your body, raise that heart rate, tone up, lose a few pounds. It is all good fun!

Whatever!

It hurts, we have to motivate ourselves to do it, convince ourselves it is the best thing, pretend it is great fun, and try to look good doing it. What the hell! Don't you think we all have enough on our plate to then add this to it? Funny, I say. But most of us strive to do this. I know I do. Four times a week I am at that damn gym doing that same thing. So why do I do it?

Well, I do feel much better once I am done. I am happier, feel stronger, and more energized. Go figure. I am a much better person including this in my routine.

However,I do need to get away from the same old thing, so I venture out, on my more motivated days, into the cold with the running group. Yes, I am still involved. But oh, can it be difficult. However, the euphoria felt after is soooo worth it.

I have figured out how everyone got the quick running pace. It is cold, cold. So I am thinking they just want to get done quickly. It has to be it because I know found myself running at a pretty good clip. Or it could be the cool crisp air that you breath in on the cold mornings. Needless to say the first few minutes are brutally painful.

I do miss the Florida heat which equals the sweat. Not too much sweating here. A little secret but do not tell - you really do not have to wash you hair as much here. Kind of funny but it is true.

One more thing. What got me on this tangent(about running) was a run I had.

I ended up running next to a woman (very attractive, young, and an amazing body) who started up a conversation. She seemed nice. Always good to talk to someone, helps pass time.

Anyway, she started talking about how she thought she looked as she was running. She talked about how people in the cars must think she looks ridiculous, wondering if she thought she looked as if she was out of breath or looked as if she was not in shape or maybe thought she should not even be out running. I could not believe it! If you could see this girl.

I come to find out she is barely 30, not comfortable with her good looks or her amazing body. Unbelievable to me. So funny how different our thought process was. I wanted to say "be confident, good lord!" But instead...

I responded: "Girl, the way I see it is look at me, I am out here, I am feeling it, I am taking in the fresh air and relishing in the moment. I would never feel as if others were looking down upon me! See yourself as their motivator! Come on, realistically, 2/3 of America could not be doing what we are doing. We are it"

Now that is how I get through it. We are the only ones who keep ourselves healthy and in shape. Get yourself up, get the heart going, sweat, listen to music, sing along, and most importantly, make NO excuses!!! We are who we are by how we take care of ourselves inside and out(a wrinkle reducing face moisturizer is helpful as well, ha ha).

A good workout is an added plus to my everyday life.