"I envy those who just know"

So I had to get my thoughts on paper. Another baby! Why is this a continuous thought? I know deep down this is not something I could do but the thoughts that come along with having another one interest me.

I see baby pictures of my children and wonder what another would look like or be like. I often feel sad that my daughter does not have a sister. Obviously, I know I could not guarantee the sex of a baby but the thought does occur.

I see their little faces in the photos and think about the excitement of having a newborn. Their smell, their needs, their trust, their vulnerability. I long for all the stages they go through-the first smile, how they grip your finger, snuggling up at sleeptime, their little toes, the way they look at you once they realize who you are, the way they reach out to you, how you are the "one" who can console them, the depth in their eyes, and that amazing day when they take their first step.

I am struggling with the idea. I know that personally, physically, and emotionally I could not have another. There are days when I think I am too old. Actually, in my mind, I am. Let's face it. It is a lot of work which requires a lot of energy.

I do not need anymore gray hairs or wrinkles. Sleepless nights do not help my aging process and we all know there are many of those. There are even some of those now. Few and far between, but some. Sleep is a precious commodity. Oh, who am I kidding I have always needed my sleep. That is probably how I continue to look so young. Ha! Ha! You know studies show 8 hours of sleep or more keeps you young.

Besides the fact, that I do not know if I could survive another pregnancy-oh the sick feeling, the stretch marks, the boob soreness, the fatigue. Oh and let's not forget-the delivery(c-sections for me)(your insides layed out on top of your lower chest), the pain, the compromising position, the nausea, the perpetual bleeding, the pain you feel when the baby latches on for the first time, and the lack of sleep you already feel.

Also, the feeling of invincibility that radiated throughout my body. Oh wait a minute-seriously, that is the morhine pump. The "woo hoo" of that is enough to consider doing it all over again. Just kidding! But seriously, I see the attraction. Fortunately, they yank that sucker away pretty quickly and then I get to deal with the incision pain like a "real woman" since I tolerate only motrin.

Parenting my three children effectively is my biggest priority. I have a hard enough time with that. I will continue on as I am doing which is making sure I am available to them at all times. I am learning how to parent everyday and, as it is, I often do not feel I have enough to give them all they need.

Three has always been my lucky number!

The miracle of having a child is one I would never underestimate or take for granted.

Anyway, my hat is off to all you mothers out there and I do envy those of you who just knew when you had the perfect number! Live your life as it is and allow every moment to be that perfect moment. All you have to do is slow down!