Psychological, Really??

Ok, so I have been pretty sick. You know, lots of coughing, lethargy, congestion, and difficulty catching my breath. All legitimate symptoms. I have been experiencing these for oh, about 6 days.

I hate to go to the doctor and try my very best to not see one. Usually, by the time I go, I am either threatened by my husband or mother or I am near death(or atleast I think I am).

Anyway, today I muster up the nerve to go to a well known walk-in clinic. I drag myself there and on the way am telling myself I really should not waste the time, as I feel lightheaded and can not catch my breath.

So, I get there and it is empty for which I am thankful. Two minutes later, if that, I am called back by the doctor himself. Great! Quickly in and out, I think to my self.

I tell him I am having trouble catching my breath and explain how long I have felt this way. He does not ask any other questions. I look at him quizzically. He looks at me. I am thinking "well?". He starts to explain to me how the mind works. Yes he did! He continues to update me on how the brain controls your body. Dah! I think. I am fully educated on the mind and how it works physiologically, neurologically, chemically, etc... Blah! Blah! Blah!

Then it dawns on me. He is eluding to how he thinks my inability to breath could be psychological. What do I look like an diot? Are you "f'ing" kidding me? I dragged my self here and this is what I get. You want to see a crazy housewife/mother/career women, oh baby, I can show that if you really want! I am not flippin crazy. I just can not breathe and want some medicine to fix me up.

Instead of jumping off the table and clawing at his eyes I decide to calmly let him know a little about me and what I do for a living-hence the Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner degree with 12 years experience. So there!

"I see", he says and then explains that he is not really saying it is in my head and clearly that this is not his area of expertise. "No shit" I think to myself-restraining not to say it out loud. I let him know politely that I do not agree with him and ask if we can back up a little.

I start over and tell him the three complaints I have, not just the one he heard earlier, and if he would have used his assessment skills a little better he would have been able to get a better understanding of what my problem was.

After I spell out that I have been having difficulty catching my breath, uncontrollable coughing and lethargy. I am told if he knew that then he would have thought differently. Now he states the problem seems to be Bronchitis (not Psychosis?). "Hello, is anyone in there? You finally got it". I am now feeling the need to offer more information to validate my sanity then I throw in the towel with the hopes to get my script and move on. I really did not want to waste anymore of my valuable time.

I get the script and he goes on to say he does not think that what I have is bacterial so there is really only a 10-15% chance the medicine will even work. At this point, I do not care. I just want to try. "Please oh Please just be quiet so I can leave" I think to myself. I decide to throw him a "wrench" and ask "so, if I do not take this how long will it take for me to get better?" I get the generic answer of "that is not something I can definitively tell you" and goes on to talk about epidemiology. Inside I am now rolling in laughter. I get up to leave-with my script-and tell him maybe I will email and let him know my update. Of course, I was NOT being sarcastic.

For I little while there I could have thought I was hearing voices to tell me to do bad things to the crazy doctor but we all know I am too rational for that. Ha!

I am out the door. At this point, I either want a piece of chocolate or a new pair of jeans. I think well the chocolate could cause an increase in jean size so skip the chocolate and go for the jeans.

To top it off, I call a local friend to tell her about the crazy experience and she informs me that she believes this doctor is actually a plastic surgeon who moonlights at the walk in clinic. All my questions were then answered. He deals numerous days out of the month with patients who may truly have an emotional issue so why not let it bleed into primary care. I DO NOT THINK SO! He did say I was a challenging patient for him. WHAT?????

Ok Ok Ok, we all know I am a little type A and have a low level of anxiey. But seriously, I have too many other things to make me crazy.

By the way, I did find a pair of jeans that fit beautifully. All is well.

Girlfriends---such fun!

Soooooo, here I am thinking back to the fabulous girls weekend I had a few weeks back. Too short, non the less, but a great time.

Two of my girlfriends flew to Portland(from Tampa)on a beautiful clear evening. The kind of night you hope for since Portland's weather is so unpredictable. The weatherman can not even get it right.

Anyway, I saw them at the bottom of the escalator. The sight of their familiar faces brought on so many emotions. I was so greatful that my friend chose to come here to celebrate her 40th birthday. I thought "wow, are you sure? It is so far to go for such a short time". Despite the time frame, it is so amazing how the time went in slow motion and each minute remains a clear memory.

Deep down I was afraid the weekend would not live up to their expectations, if they had any. I was so excited and just wanted them to enjoy themselves. Although, they probably did not know I was excited. For those of you who know me, I do not show excitement outwardly.

I could be jumping up and down inside but you see me as you usually would. Such a shame, I know, but it's just the way it is. Now I can laugh pretty good. So hard, in fact, that I can not catch my breath and tears roll down my face. I love those moments.

Anyway, I think my friends wanted to get an idea about how my new life was going and to see that I was ok. I was so blown away by their interest. This really put things into perspective.

Girlfriends are an amazing asset to one's life. Especially those you have had for years. The things you can say, they way you laugh together, how silly you act, all the memories that are reflected upon, and the simplicity of just knowing each is there for the other. Being with them made me feel so alive and refreshed.

Each of us live in different states but it has not affected our relationship. We talk as if we are together all the time - with ease and without restraint. It is great to be surrounded by those who tell you like it is. No hidden agenda or thoughts.

You shop, you can obsess, you enjoy a glass of your favorite adult beverage, and not think of much else but the pleasure you get out of being together. Of course, you talk about your children and sometimes your husbands but mostly the true time together is what is so valued and cherished.

Girlfriends bounce ideas off each other. We like to make sure we are not completely losing our minds whether it is something complicated or stupidly simple. It is amazing, the things we go through. Woman have a special connection-especially with those who just understand you - for who you are. We are all unique and complicated and when you find that special friend or group of friends it is not to be taken lightly.

I enjoy my old friends and my new ones. I have come to realize that woman relate to each other and without that you can feel kind of lost. Keeping a friendship alive takes time and energy but it is worth every minute. I respect those close to me and am dedicated to those who enrich my life. Being real and dependable is the key to everlasting, meaningful friendships. Each friend has the ability to guide us, make us a better person, and even teach us new ways of doing things.

I thank my two friends for traveling clear across the country to see me. We had a weekend that will never be forgotten and the memory will always be tucked away inside my heart. I think they have a new value for Portland and can see why I enjoy it so much.

Now, go take the time to plan a day with your "girls".

Testicle tick, testicle tock!

The other day I heard on a morning news show that, after a certain age, the "family jewels" are not as precious as we thought. Actually, it was reported that "older" sperm (men greater then the age of 40)can increase the probability of having a baby with Down's Syndrome, Autism, and Schizophrenia(that certainly helped us to make our decision about baby #4). You can only imagine what could happen when you join an "old" egg with an "old" sperm. There could be big trouble.

Historically, it has been believed that men's sperm do not age at the rate the woman's eggs do, hence the saying "my biological clock is ticking". No longer the case. I guess it can be rephrased as "Our biological clock is ticking". Whew! What a relief! I know I had sleepless nights over that dilema. Ha Ha. Seriously, has no one ever thought of that before. Why would a man's sperm stay free of the aging process and the woman's egg not?

I get sick and tired of societal pressures placed on woman to stay young. Do we do this to ourselves? Partly, yes. But, all kidding aside, who wants their boobs to become mushy and hang down to their belly buttons, or have a flabby butt that does not look as good in jeans as it once used to, or wrinkles on our faces to become prominent. We want our hands to stay looking youthful, our hair to not turn gray, and our eyebrows (and where ever else you would like-ladies you know what I am talking about) to be groomed.

Woman want to feel sexy, dress youthful but look classy, look toned, stay slim. We want to wear just the right amount of makeup-not too overdone and maybe get that double take when we are out. You want someone to comment on all your hard work.

Their are creams, dyes, implants, liposuction, glycolic peels, make up tatooing, eyelash lengthening, lip enhancers, maincures, pedicures, botox, etc.. The list goes on. How exhausting! Don't get me wrong, I am not so sure I mind all the fuss.

Aging is aging!

But I can say that it is nice to know that men really have similar worries. I mean, seriously, why did it take this long for it to be reported that their sperm does age, as well as, other parts of their bodies. Men don't want grey hair on top of their head or below the belt, for that matter. Nor do they want saggy butts or testicles(picture that and it is ok to chuckle).

They want ripped stomaches, strong arms, smooth/fresh faces, broad/strong shoulders, and be free of balding. They, too, want to be looked at twice. The market for men's products have sky rocketed. Men have as many issues as woman, we just take it more to heart and woman are more talked about.

It has been said that woman are too concerned about what other woman think. That may be true but we also want to feel good about ourselves. It is deired to feel good inside and out. If that new shade of lipstick puts a smile on our face or those new shoes put a skip in your step, then so be it. I think we are lucky there are so many options for our needs.

Confidence ladies. Hold your head high.

I will say this, it is certainly not the "old" family jewels or the "old" eggs that provide pleasure as we age. Cheers to that!

Now ladies, let's take our wonderful selves and do something for us. Whatever your pleasure. Just don't do something I wouldn't do. You all know how crazy I am. Ha! Ha!

Oh, and husbands out their remember to tell your wife how beautiful she is. Mine consistently does and all I can say is "ooooooh what a feeling"! Just makes me want to break out in song.

"I envy those who just know"

So I had to get my thoughts on paper. Another baby! Why is this a continuous thought? I know deep down this is not something I could do but the thoughts that come along with having another one interest me.

I see baby pictures of my children and wonder what another would look like or be like. I often feel sad that my daughter does not have a sister. Obviously, I know I could not guarantee the sex of a baby but the thought does occur.

I see their little faces in the photos and think about the excitement of having a newborn. Their smell, their needs, their trust, their vulnerability. I long for all the stages they go through-the first smile, how they grip your finger, snuggling up at sleeptime, their little toes, the way they look at you once they realize who you are, the way they reach out to you, how you are the "one" who can console them, the depth in their eyes, and that amazing day when they take their first step.

I am struggling with the idea. I know that personally, physically, and emotionally I could not have another. There are days when I think I am too old. Actually, in my mind, I am. Let's face it. It is a lot of work which requires a lot of energy.

I do not need anymore gray hairs or wrinkles. Sleepless nights do not help my aging process and we all know there are many of those. There are even some of those now. Few and far between, but some. Sleep is a precious commodity. Oh, who am I kidding I have always needed my sleep. That is probably how I continue to look so young. Ha! Ha! You know studies show 8 hours of sleep or more keeps you young.

Besides the fact, that I do not know if I could survive another pregnancy-oh the sick feeling, the stretch marks, the boob soreness, the fatigue. Oh and let's not forget-the delivery(c-sections for me)(your insides layed out on top of your lower chest), the pain, the compromising position, the nausea, the perpetual bleeding, the pain you feel when the baby latches on for the first time, and the lack of sleep you already feel.

Also, the feeling of invincibility that radiated throughout my body. Oh wait a minute-seriously, that is the morhine pump. The "woo hoo" of that is enough to consider doing it all over again. Just kidding! But seriously, I see the attraction. Fortunately, they yank that sucker away pretty quickly and then I get to deal with the incision pain like a "real woman" since I tolerate only motrin.

Parenting my three children effectively is my biggest priority. I have a hard enough time with that. I will continue on as I am doing which is making sure I am available to them at all times. I am learning how to parent everyday and, as it is, I often do not feel I have enough to give them all they need.

Three has always been my lucky number!

The miracle of having a child is one I would never underestimate or take for granted.

Anyway, my hat is off to all you mothers out there and I do envy those of you who just knew when you had the perfect number! Live your life as it is and allow every moment to be that perfect moment. All you have to do is slow down!

Get Up and Get Moving!

The other day, at the gym, I found myself chuckling. I was standing at this machine doing these knee lifts to strengthen the stomach muscles. No pain, no gain right? As I was doing this, I found myself feeling rather ridiculous but as I looked around the room, most everyone appeared to be looking just about the same (ridiculous).

All on machines or on the floor in some compromising position trying to better their bodies. I happened to look down and saw someone's behind up in the air-seeing a little more than I would have liked- if you get my drift. At first, I did not think much about it until realizing it was not a pretty sight. I, then, found myself laughing. Thinking...

We all look like mice spinning out of control on some wheel. Running, running, walking, walking, climbing, climbing but getting no where. But oh yes, we are helping to improve our bodies, minds, and cardiovascular systems! Right? At least that is what we tell ourselves. Do good for your body, raise that heart rate, tone up, lose a few pounds. It is all good fun!

Whatever!

It hurts, we have to motivate ourselves to do it, convince ourselves it is the best thing, pretend it is great fun, and try to look good doing it. What the hell! Don't you think we all have enough on our plate to then add this to it? Funny, I say. But most of us strive to do this. I know I do. Four times a week I am at that damn gym doing that same thing. So why do I do it?

Well, I do feel much better once I am done. I am happier, feel stronger, and more energized. Go figure. I am a much better person including this in my routine.

However,I do need to get away from the same old thing, so I venture out, on my more motivated days, into the cold with the running group. Yes, I am still involved. But oh, can it be difficult. However, the euphoria felt after is soooo worth it.

I have figured out how everyone got the quick running pace. It is cold, cold. So I am thinking they just want to get done quickly. It has to be it because I know found myself running at a pretty good clip. Or it could be the cool crisp air that you breath in on the cold mornings. Needless to say the first few minutes are brutally painful.

I do miss the Florida heat which equals the sweat. Not too much sweating here. A little secret but do not tell - you really do not have to wash you hair as much here. Kind of funny but it is true.

One more thing. What got me on this tangent(about running) was a run I had.

I ended up running next to a woman (very attractive, young, and an amazing body) who started up a conversation. She seemed nice. Always good to talk to someone, helps pass time.

Anyway, she started talking about how she thought she looked as she was running. She talked about how people in the cars must think she looks ridiculous, wondering if she thought she looked as if she was out of breath or looked as if she was not in shape or maybe thought she should not even be out running. I could not believe it! If you could see this girl.

I come to find out she is barely 30, not comfortable with her good looks or her amazing body. Unbelievable to me. So funny how different our thought process was. I wanted to say "be confident, good lord!" But instead...

I responded: "Girl, the way I see it is look at me, I am out here, I am feeling it, I am taking in the fresh air and relishing in the moment. I would never feel as if others were looking down upon me! See yourself as their motivator! Come on, realistically, 2/3 of America could not be doing what we are doing. We are it"

Now that is how I get through it. We are the only ones who keep ourselves healthy and in shape. Get yourself up, get the heart going, sweat, listen to music, sing along, and most importantly, make NO excuses!!! We are who we are by how we take care of ourselves inside and out(a wrinkle reducing face moisturizer is helpful as well, ha ha).

A good workout is an added plus to my everyday life.

Seasons of Our Lives

Wow! The past few weeks have been amazing. I have been able to slowly watch the transformation of the changing of the leaves. I've seen all shades of green, yellow, red, and orange. I look around as I drive. Trees surround me. They are in front of me, ahead of me, above me, and below me. I have been able to take the time needed to make an imprint in my memory of this beauty.

I talk to my children about them. I listen to how they describe what they see. They, of course, have so many things to say. This process occurs over the course of a few weeks. It really gets you in the mood for the colder weather and the holidays. It's like no other feeling I have had before. Now I understand what people have said all along. The changing of the seasons is truly an experience. One you should embrace and enjoy.

Lately, I have watched the leaves as they begin to fall. Even seeing them in piles is memorable. You really just want to run and jump into them. Maybe even lose yourself in them. I have many great photographic visions of my children in these leaves, thinking maybe I would pull my car over and photograph them buried leaving only their faces to see.

One night as I was trying to fall asleep I imagined myself as one of those leaves. I imagined myself holding on to the branch not wanting to let go. Eventually, I lose my grip and begin to drift realizing I have no control of where I would land. I felt so free. I allowed my senses to be heightened, feeling the coolness, the weightlessness, the fearlessness, letting myself be carried wherever I am destined to fall but at the same time feeling frightened by where I may end up, knowing I will never again be on the branch. That the tree will grow new leaves and I would be forgotten.

Instead, this leaf lands and a little girl and two boys come along and pick that leaf up and say "mommy look how beautiful this leaf is! Can we keep it?" and I say "yes, yes it is one of the most beautiful leaves I have ever seen and you may keep it."

I am reminded in this season of who I am, and it is my children who are helping see life for what it is and who move at the speed necessary to take in all the things around them. They are truly the ones who are teaching me how to mother, how to live, and that our lives are what we make of it-each and every moment.

My Cartoon Network

OK, I have got to talk about the television, which takes me back a couple a months.

Friends of mine visited Portland from the east coast. It was great to see familiar faces. Coincidentally, her sister lives here for which I am thankful. During her and her daughters visit I had to become a little more acclimated with the city for her sister lives about 30 minutes from me on the NE side of town. I was able to get to her house (with some help) which actually felt liberating. This drive led me to my discussion about television.

You know, getting in a car for 30 minutes, driving aimlessly in a big city on a big highway in a direction with uncertainty can be challenging. And add to this three children in the car with you who can behave unpredictably. I know this is true for most children so don't get me wrong, it can be expected unless, of course, the children are "perfect" as mine are and yours too. ;)

So without a doubt, I turned on the car DVD player.

Now what you have to realize is in Oregon, it seems, this is sort of frowned upon. In fact, it seems that TV, in general, is not used very much. I have yet to see a car here with a DVD player. Good for them, right? Children should be outside exploring, playing or finding things on their own to do to entertain themselves. Don't get me wrong I find this to be a good thing but there are moments when I feel the need to use television in order to keep my sanity or just simply to calm things down a bit when I feel the house is completely out of order.

So, in the car, my thought was, "Hey, better to drive safely and be able to concentrate then take the chance that I may have to turn my body completely around to discipline a child, break up a fight, or reason with someone (which we all know is not the easiest to do with an almost 7 y.o, a 5 1/2, and 3 1/2 y.o.), or even worse, get so distracted by them that I run off the road, flip the car three times or run into some sort of wildlife which in Oregon does not seem to be all that far fetched".

Now one must be thinking that I am assuming that my children will act up. Oh no, that is not the case, well maybe. As a mother, I never know what will be dealt to me. We think we can predict it all. Why, because I am a mother. But, realistically, the way I think something is going to go may end up the opposite. So, for "safety reasons", a movie was played. They behaved beautifully and I enjoyed my coffee and drove safely. But then again we were on an adventure and usually the rides to "somewhere new" are good. It is the ride home but that is a whooole other discussion.

Now back to TV. In the home, I, of course, only put the TV on if I feel my children are going to soon be swinging from the light fixtures, break a bone, break something, eyes are about to get clawed out, if I am using the gas stove and the children are under my feet, or if the mommy is getting the urge to let loose on a child. I describe the television as a resource and yes, I do think it is a resource.

As a mother, I have patience. Actually, more than I thought I could ever have. It is amazing what I am able to endure. Children love you to death but at the same time somehow are able to beat up on you emotionally. A close friend of mine describes this to feel like little birdies pecking at your temple. I thought that was nicely put. It is not a feeling you enjoy but you can bare. Don't get me wrong, I have my irrational emotional moments where I feel I am literally losing my mind, but thankfully it is short lived.

I know the children do not mean to act this way. I do not ever feel like it is a deliberate thing. I remember they are only children. Children are learning how to respond to their surroundings, deal with their hardships, accept the word "no", and understand what is acceptable and what is not. However, I am who they feel most comfortable with and what better person to be emotional with, cry with, yell at, whine at, or simply loose control. I will not reject them for that is not my job. I am here to mold them, educate them, love them, hug them, talk to them, teach how to be rational, and keep them safe. The list can go on but I will stop there for I am sure you get my point. So "no" I do not think a little TV here and there is such a bad thing, despite what others think or what the media says. How goes the old saying "anything in moderation is ok".

I also find it to be comforting. The children will snuggle up, relax, and enjoy this time. Their little brains can veg out. They rest their bodies and get great pleasure out of the stories, as do most adults.

I always say do what works and what's best for you no matter what the situation is. Just don't forget to take the time to give your children the opportunity to do those things that help them to create, learn, make decisions, make mistakes, ask questions, get a little hurt through exploration (such as racing down a hill on a scooter crashing towards the bottom ending up with numerous scrapes, bumps, and bruises), and see things through their own eyes.