Stop and Smell the Flowers, Part II

Part I may be found here.

So I’ve decided to go back a little. It is hard to believe we have been here a little over a month. I think back to when we decided to move (clear across the country) thinking “I can do this”. Then it really happened. Not so sure I thought it would really occur. Sooo here I am. I really could not live any farther in the U.S. from my home town unless, of course, we decided to live in the ocean off the Oregon coast which as most of you know I could not do since I’d spend most of the time vomiting over the side of the yacht-which would not be what we’d be living on-for we do not have one of those and certainly a small fishing boat would not be up to my standards. My husband wishes I could sail around the world but unless they come up with some amazing cure for motion sickness I will stick to land. I will always be the driver. Who knows? I have thought of looking into acupuncture since it seems as though as I get older it only gets worse. But for now the most adventurous I see myself involves the move and all the things that have come with it.

I find this to be so surreal. I drive around thinking I see a friends car. Most often Stacy’s (a white Toyota Sequoia with dark tinted windows) or Kim (in an audi sedan). I often think I see someone I know at the gym, on the road, or at the grocery. But no, clearly not, for I am thousands of miles away from you. It happens so often that the other day after running group (after happening again) I had to mention it to Jennifer (the one who heads up the group) and we both just chuckled knowing the reality of it. People ask “so where are you from?” Florida, I say. Their response is “wow, you really are far away form home”. “Yes”, I say thinking thanks for reminding me. I think that if the people here were not so amazingly nice that I am not sure what my mental status would be.

Don’t get me wrong. There are moments when I think what the heck did we do this for? This experience has truly forced me to look within and look for parts of myself I never knew I was capable of using or even had available to me. I start up conversations with people I do not know almost anywhere. I sort of look at them and who they are with and assess what they could offer. Sometimes it is a quick, friendly discussion. But most often I am given a volume of information or invited to do something. It really is much more than I could have ever asked for.

I really think I will like it here but the best would have been to bring all my friends with me. I guess if that happened, it would have changed the whole dynamics of the move and my experiences. Oh well, a little selfishness on my part is ok. The children are really who have forced me to utilize all the resources I can find. Speaking of the children….

Wow, has the last 5 weeks been a challenge. Actually 6-7 weeks. Probably started just as we starting packing up the house but has really escalated. We all love our children and know they test us to points way beyond our imagination but there have been many moments where I swear “my children” are not with me. They have been taken over by the “Moving Monster”. Unbelievable!! You think “oh they are young this won’t be sooo bad” Wrong! Despite that, this is a much longer summer than what they are used to and they have decided to see how far they can push me. I have really been trying hard to accommodate them. Look for kids for them to meet, go places where other kids will be, do special things, etc. The ups and down of their moods has been so challenging. I understand and respect their feelings however patience and understanding can only be in someone for so long. I find myself trying to make sure they are “ok” and I do have many fleeting thoughts about when I will truly break down (thinking “what about me?”). However, those of us who are mothers know the “what about me” does not get answered as often. Yeah, yeah, yeah we are much stronger for it. Blah! Blah! Blah! But we all know how precious those moments are. It’s funny usually it’s simple stuff that fulfills those needs. Everyday has become a new day for me with the hopes to wake up with more strength than the day before.

The hardest part is the giving and feeling like there is no receiving i.e. “thank you mommy for taking us to the new park, new restaurant, to meet a new friend, have a picnic lunch”, etc. I have been doing the best I can do to make the transition go smoothly for them but clearly the record shows this move has been difficult for them. People have said “oh better now than later” which I do believe is true but “whew” what an interesting process this has been.

Let’s see. I broke down once so far (not real big just some tears-a quick cry) (a little voice inside my head always helps me to stay grounded reminding me of what really is important)-a couple of days ago. We had to really sit the children down and talk about some of the things we’ve seen that have made us unhappy. It was so funny because I really was past the point of anger for I think the anger had been used up. I am not sure anger is the right word but perhaps disappointment. Anyway, after all was said and done I became tearful which I rarely do in front of them but I really could not keep it dry. So I asked my husband to take them to bed and just sat down and had a quick cry. I am not sure it was because of my extreme disappointment in them or the move itself. Obviously, both. I went and sat down for a few minutes and regrouped. I, then, decided to walk upstairs to help with bedtime. As I was walking up the stairs I heard my oldest son say to him “Mommy never cries” and my husband's response (if I heard correctly) “that is because your mommy is very strong”. I try!

We all love our children, their innocence, their beauty, their frankness, their fearlessness, their ability to try new things, their ability to love, their ability to test those limits, how they explore, how they see things, seeing them develop into the person they will become. I love to watch them see something for the first time, try something for the first time, get frustrated, accomplish something they had not been able to before, look into their eyes and see myself, and most of all to sit by them when they are sleep and admire their peacefulness. Oh, the joy they bring. No matter how hard a day may be I can’t imagine my life without them. Raising children is truly the hardest thing I have ever done. Realistically I know it will only get more challenging. This is harder than college, graduate school, finding the man of my dreams or moving clear across the country. I will continue to take each day as it comes, enjoy the rewards, get through the frustrations, take time for myself and with my husband and “stop and smell the flowers!”

I know you moms can relate.